Please be aware that if you are reading these posts that I reserve the right to speak my mind on any of the topics listed. If you do not agree with me, you may do so on your own time. Also, I will be providing bits and pieces of the military lifestyle and information. The Navy is in NO WAY responsible for anything I state here, nor am I claiming to be completely knowledgable on all matters. These are my experiences, and mine only!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Lost the battle.

Well….it's after 5 am on saturday and hubby and I just took our final pregnancy test. What a big shocker- NEGATIVE.

At this point I think it is clear to say that our journey is over. I can no longer live like this, with the constant heart ache and constant failure. It's more than anyone should ever have to deal with, and I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Infertility is the worst disease I have ever encountered, and one that absolutely ruins lives. I have completely lost all hope that I ever had, and Brendan and I have decided to stop all treatments. It is pretty clear after 3 IUI's that it just doesnt work. I could do 12 more, and I would get all the same results. My body is not capable of having a pregnancy. It's obviously something that God wants, and I just have to respect that.

Now that Brendan is prepared to deploy in 2 weeks he can leave knowing his wife was a failure, and that he will never be a father, because of me. I let him down, and I let myself down. I can now spend the next 8 months in this giant, empty, quiet house.

Sometimes we have to learn to accept the hands that are dealt to us, and come to terms with it. No more treatments, no more trying desperately, no more. Time to let this dream go, and learn to live without children. It's just a part of life.

I appreciate all the support I have gotten throughout this journey, and hope that the women who do deserve it, get their miracle baby soon.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Is the journey about to halt?

It has been several long months since my last posting, and it saddens me that I have not taken the time out to write about all of the events that have been occurring since October. It has just been such a long, hard, and tiring road that I have had little motivation to do so. Trying to stay positive is my main goal everyday, and I do slack from time to time.

In November 2013 we began the IUI process, and went through #1. It happened to be that Brendan's ship was going underway during the scheduled time of insemination, so of course, we had to use frozen swimmers. I had a lot of high hopes for the first cycle, as it was all new to me, and I had no idea what to expect. I had friends who got pregnant on their first try, so I thought, me too! I took the femara to get my eggs growing, and I had an ultrasound to see how I was responding. One little egg was showing up in the right ovary, and looking good. The doctor had me come back in twice more before she felt I was ready, and when I was she scheduled the IUI and sent me home with a list of instructions. The worst part about all of it was the trigger shot. I have never stuck a needle in my body before, and I was petrified. I had to work myself up for it for hours. Luckily, my husband was able to make a phone call home to me from the ship so that he could support me while I did it for the first time. I closed my eyes, positioned the needle, and stabbed away! I was shocked when I looked down and saw that it had smoothly glided into my body and that there was absolutely no pain whatsoever. I was so proud of myself! The IUI was scheduled for 34 hours after the shot, and I was surprised that there was no pain there either. It was a quick in and out insemination, and I was on my way. Then, it was time for the dreaded 2 week wait. It was so much worse because Brendan was underway, and I virtually sat in my house everyday thinking about it, and festering on it. I drove myself completely insane! Something inside of me knew that it hadn't worked, and I cried myself to sleep for days.

Long story short, my husband and I soon learned that the IUI had failed, and that we would have to move on to IUI #2. It was devastating, and a major let down after everything we had gone through to get to that point. I simply could not believe that it had not worked, and that yet again, I had to do it all over. I was bitter, hurt, and losing hope.

In December we started IUI #2. Once again Brendan's ship went underway and left right when I needed him, so again we had to settle for frozen swimmers. About 1 week before the insemination the Cryo Lab called me to let me know that they had processed my husband's sample, and that it was not good. Most of the swimmers had not survived the freezing, and that our numbers were dramatically lower than the last time. I immediately called my RE to ask her opinions and she suggest not going through with it, because of such bad numbers. At this point I felt that all hope was lost, and that it must be a sign that we were not meant to have children. Luckily, a friend of mine referred me to a "Card reader" in the area who would read me my fortune. I figured, what could it hurt? She immediately began telling me things about myself that no one could have ever known. It became enthralled in to what she had to say. She say much happiness in my future, and she did see children for me. She actually saw 2 separate pregnancies! I was ecstatic. She could not see when those pregnancies would occur, but she believed it to be soon. That was the boost I needed to keep on going! I put a smile back on my face and put my faith into god!

The IUI went normal again, and was done 34 hours again after trigger. Brendan was gone, and everything was just about the same as the first, except for the swimmers. The 2 week wait ended 2 days before Christmas, and what a surprise, it failed. I think that I just went into a numbing sensation, and tried to pretend like nothing had happened. We were back in New York visiting family, and I did not want to ruin that time. However, every piece of my body cried and ached, and kept asking, "why?"

After 2 failed IUI's I wanted to stop, and just move on. Brendan completely disagreed, and reminded me that the 3rd IUI would finally be our first FRESH cycle, and that he would be home for every inch of it. This was a very pleasant reminder, and I was curious to see what would happen with fresh swimmers. However, I also knew in the back of my mind that his deployment is scheduled for February, and that if this 3rd one did not take, that everything had to stop for almost a year. It was a tough choice to make, but ultimately Brendan and I decided to go ahead and try one last time before he leaves….

Thus, here we are today. The insemination went really well! A few days before we went to the ultrasound and learned that I had 2 eggs growing!!!! Which surprised me :) On the morning of the insemination Brendan gave his sample, and I was floored with the results. MUCH better than what it had been frozen, and they were swimming fast!!! We immediately went over to the hospital, and the rest is history. It was so nice having my hubby there for me, and able to see everything that I go through for us. He was extremely supportive, and gave me the hope I had lost.

Our 2 week wait is almost over, and this saturday we will be testing to see if this worked or not. I am terrified to find out, because disappointment has been beating me up. I don't want Brendan deploying in a few weeks with the knowing in his mind that we will not be parents any time soon. I think about it everyday, and am ready for the unknown to become known. Is our journey about the come to a screeching halt, or are we about to see a miracle?

Stay tuned :)

Thursday, October 17, 2013

So close! So close!

I realized this morning that I have not blogged in just about a month, and that is due to many reasons. First of all, my husband came home from another underway and I have been able to keep him for a whole 2 weeks!!! So, of course I stay off my computer for the most part, and spend time with him :) Also, it's been a rough couple of weeks for me mentally. Let me explain...

On October 8 I FINALLY was able to go to my second appointment with the RE at Portsmouth. All of mine and my husband's test results came back, and she had everything in one little folder. I was a little taken back at first because my doctor did not handle the appointment, but her assistant did. I didn't want to be rude and specifically ask for my doctor, but there was no doubt in my mind that I wondered...

Well, all of our tests looked great! Both of my falop tubes are open! No blockage at all. My bloodwork was exactly what they expected, and my overall health was great. As far as my husband goes, he had a good number of swimmers, but they weren't as mobile as they would have liked. This could have been contributed to a number of factors, but the doctor assured me they were not worried about it at all. I am sure that with all of the stress he has been under with the ship's schedule lately, is what helped that out.

Long story short, the doc decided that we can now do our first IUI!! Unbelievably great news! She also decided that because of how well our tests looked, she is willing to do 6 rounds of it, which is even better to hear. I told her that my concern was about my husband because he is due to go underway again for another 3 weeks. She suggested freezing his swimmers now, so we can guarantee we will have some when the time comes. I was given a list of step by step instructions to follow, with the first requirement being starting my cycle. I went down to the Pharmacy and picked up all of the pills that I need.

Well, 10 days later my husband has frozen some sperm, and it now waits at the sperm bank for it's big day. I have been taking provera everyday to get my cycle going. Today is the last pill, so it should start anywhere between friday-monday. All good news right? Exactly what I had been hoping for, and even sooner than I had thought.

I wish it was that easy though. I wish I could say that I am ecstatic and full of hope, and grateful that we are finally here. But, that would be lying. Honestly, I am terrified. I think about it all day, everyday. I am stressed out, which I know is bad for my body during this time. I am worried, and I am wondering constantly what will happen from here. Even though we will be given 6 chances for our dream to come true, I am not sure whether I will have the strength to see 6 failed pregnancy tests. After coming this far, and feeling the constant dissapointment, I just don't know how much more I can take. I know several woman who were able to have it work on the FIRST TRY! But, something inside of me says I will not be one of them. This pessimistic attitude is eating me away, and I plan on telling my therapist exactly these thoughts. I need a boost. I need someone to tell me to keep the faith, and someone to believe in me, because I am starting to not believe in myself :(

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Learning to take care of myself first.

I think one of the biggest things we all deal with when struggling with infertility is when we see friends or family become pregnant and have lots babies, as we are on our heartbreaking journey. it is very difficult to figure out exactly how to handle the situation, while not offending anyone. What I have learned though, is that no matter what you do, someone is going to be affected, and not always in a good way.

I met a friend a few months ago, who had the same PCOS syndrome as me. I feel as though we clicked right away. She understood my pain, and she was on her way to doing her first IUI. She referred me to her doctor, and her therapist, and I believed I had found a real confidant. Within 3 weeks of getting to know her, she learned her IUI was successful and she was pregnant. "Ouch" is all I can say. Deep down of course I was happy to see her get what she asked for, and deserved. But, nothing could deny the fact that I was still dealing with an empty womb, and needed time to heal just from hearing her news. I immediately felt myself branch away from her, and even avoid her. It was a horrible feeling, but if I even started to think about all the joy she was experiencing right now, my heart burst with pain.

I brought this up with my therapist the other day, and asked her what the right thing to do was. I said to her, "I feel so nasty and mean, and as though I am a very petty person for being this way." You know what her response to me was? You need to protect your own heart, and help yourself through life before you can take care of anyone else. Basically, if staying away from this friend was what I needed right now, then no matter how badly it made us both feel, it is what needed to be done.

To all of my girls steal waiting on a BFP: do not allow yourself to feel bad that you want space from those who have what you don't. This is a very sensitive subject, and one that needs your ability to stay strong. If anything knocks down that strength, then you need to get away from it.

On a more positive note, my husband had his sperm analysis today! 20 days until my follow up appointment with the RE! I will be counting down every single day :)

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Wishing time would speed up....

It's been a bit since I have posted, and probably some good reasons for that. Dealing with infertility and a husband in the military is always challenging. After my first appointment with the RE I was given a list of different types of testing that needed to be done, before she would see me again. It's been a long journey in itself just to complete all of the expected testing.

I was given Provera again immediately to jump start my period. 10 day of it, and then period began within 2 days of stopping. Cycle day 1 was September 1, and on cycle day 3 I had to drive down to Portsmouth where I gave a sample of blood testing for many different things. About a week after the test the RE called me and stated that some of the results concerned her a bit, and she wanted to get an HSG test done on me right away. Of course I didn't want to waste any time, so I grabbed a friend and went back to Portsmouth yet again where they performed the test. Not something I would ever want to do again, but was told that there is no blockage in either of my tubes. What a relief that was to hear! After the test, I believe at this point my testing has come to a close, at least I hope and pray so.

Now, the last bit of testing she needs done is a semen analysis from my husband. Now this should have been a very simple thing to do, and done fairly quickly, but it was not. My husband left right away after my first appointment to go underway with the ship. He was gone for about a week, so that pushed things back. He is now home, and has an appointment finally this coming Wednesday. Unfortunately though it takes 2 weeks for the results to come back. SO: hopefully after this wednesday we will have completed everything that was asked of us, and I can soon make a follow up appointment to see where we go from here. Very excited for this, and maintaining a positive attitude while reminding myself that good things come to those who wait :)

Along with trying to complete all of what is needed from us, I was referred by a good friend to see a local therapist has dealt with a lot of infertility patients. I decided to give it a try, and see how it went; it certainly couldn't hurt. The day I walked into the therapist's office was when I knew I had reached my breaking point. My husband was gone, and I was getting no answers still with anything. I was struggling badly, and in a very dark place within myself. I knew that I had to do something to change the way I was living, or nothing positive would happen for me. I opened up to the therapist and listened to her advice. I am so very grateful that I have found her.

I am now seeing the therapist twice a week, while dealing with my husband constantly going in and out. I am keeping my head held high and reminding myself that the more effort and positivity you put in something the better things will be :)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Meet your new reproductive endocrinologist

My first day ever at an infertility clinic. It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I had no idea what to expect, but yet knew in my heart what I needed. My new doctor has been specializing in this for a long time, and has a lot of experience. She came storming into the room with confidence booming, and knew right away what she wanted to do with me.

I cried, I sniffed and broke down and told her all of my anxiety and fears that eat away at me everyday. She listened, and she respected me. She didn't tell me, "it will happen when it's supposed to happen" or "you're still young. You have plenty of time." No, in fact she understood my desire to be a mother right now, not tomorrow, and she promised to help me with that!

She did some testing on me right away while I was there. Sonogram, urine test, and Pap Smear. Now the plan is to finish the testing in the next few weeks. I started Provera again today for the next 10 days to bring my period on. On the 3rd day of my cycle I need to go in and have my blood drawn. Also, Brendan needs to go and give a semen sample for analysis. Once all of these things are done, and the paperwork is in front of her then we will decide together what we want to do. She strongly feels that I should do an IUI, and maybe even IVF is somewhere in my future. The number one thing is that we are a hell of a lot closer than where we were yesterday!

It's going to be about another month before I can go back, and go from there, but that's okay because I feel as though the light at the end of my tunnel is getting closer and closer.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Hello Infertility Clinic! We are about to become best friends...

After a long wait, and 2 stressful weeks of lost medical records, tomorrow marks my very first appointment at the infertility clinic! Words would never be able to describe the relief and excitement that is coursing through my body right now! I have a good feeling that this is our chance, and things are about to turnaround for us!

One of the greatest perks about being a military family is that we get access to excellent medical care and specialists. I have heard some great things about Portsmouth, and now I get to experience it firsthand!

I know that I would be fool to put myself too high up on the cloud, especially when the journey could still be far from over. But I would also be lying to myself if I tried to ignore this bursting feeling in my chest! Never had I had so much hope for something in my life.

It seems as though everywhere I turn there are just countless numbers of women carrying, and babies in carriers...all over the place. I used to envy those women and allow myself to be taken under with my own grief. Not anymore though; no, now is the time to have faith in God and believe that there is a path laid out for me, and I must walk it. Some things are completely out of our control, and the more we sit back and let him take the reigns, the better off we are.

I am going to have hope that this new doctor takes good care of me, and helps Brendan and I to achieve the desire we have had for so long! The sun has come out!