Is the journey about to halt?

It has been several long months since my last posting, and it saddens me that I have not taken the time out to write about all of the events that have been occurring since October. It has just been such a long, hard, and tiring road that I have had little motivation to do so. Trying to stay positive is my main goal everyday, and I do slack from time to time.

In November 2013 we began the IUI process, and went through #1. It happened to be that Brendan's ship was going underway during the scheduled time of insemination, so of course, we had to use frozen swimmers. I had a lot of high hopes for the first cycle, as it was all new to me, and I had no idea what to expect. I had friends who got pregnant on their first try, so I thought, me too! I took the femara to get my eggs growing, and I had an ultrasound to see how I was responding. One little egg was showing up in the right ovary, and looking good. The doctor had me come back in twice more before she felt I was ready, and when I was she scheduled the IUI and sent me home with a list of instructions. The worst part about all of it was the trigger shot. I have never stuck a needle in my body before, and I was petrified. I had to work myself up for it for hours. Luckily, my husband was able to make a phone call home to me from the ship so that he could support me while I did it for the first time. I closed my eyes, positioned the needle, and stabbed away! I was shocked when I looked down and saw that it had smoothly glided into my body and that there was absolutely no pain whatsoever. I was so proud of myself! The IUI was scheduled for 34 hours after the shot, and I was surprised that there was no pain there either. It was a quick in and out insemination, and I was on my way. Then, it was time for the dreaded 2 week wait. It was so much worse because Brendan was underway, and I virtually sat in my house everyday thinking about it, and festering on it. I drove myself completely insane! Something inside of me knew that it hadn't worked, and I cried myself to sleep for days.

Long story short, my husband and I soon learned that the IUI had failed, and that we would have to move on to IUI #2. It was devastating, and a major let down after everything we had gone through to get to that point. I simply could not believe that it had not worked, and that yet again, I had to do it all over. I was bitter, hurt, and losing hope.

In December we started IUI #2. Once again Brendan's ship went underway and left right when I needed him, so again we had to settle for frozen swimmers. About 1 week before the insemination the Cryo Lab called me to let me know that they had processed my husband's sample, and that it was not good. Most of the swimmers had not survived the freezing, and that our numbers were dramatically lower than the last time. I immediately called my RE to ask her opinions and she suggest not going through with it, because of such bad numbers. At this point I felt that all hope was lost, and that it must be a sign that we were not meant to have children. Luckily, a friend of mine referred me to a "Card reader" in the area who would read me my fortune. I figured, what could it hurt? She immediately began telling me things about myself that no one could have ever known. It became enthralled in to what she had to say. She say much happiness in my future, and she did see children for me. She actually saw 2 separate pregnancies! I was ecstatic. She could not see when those pregnancies would occur, but she believed it to be soon. That was the boost I needed to keep on going! I put a smile back on my face and put my faith into god!

The IUI went normal again, and was done 34 hours again after trigger. Brendan was gone, and everything was just about the same as the first, except for the swimmers. The 2 week wait ended 2 days before Christmas, and what a surprise, it failed. I think that I just went into a numbing sensation, and tried to pretend like nothing had happened. We were back in New York visiting family, and I did not want to ruin that time. However, every piece of my body cried and ached, and kept asking, "why?"

After 2 failed IUI's I wanted to stop, and just move on. Brendan completely disagreed, and reminded me that the 3rd IUI would finally be our first FRESH cycle, and that he would be home for every inch of it. This was a very pleasant reminder, and I was curious to see what would happen with fresh swimmers. However, I also knew in the back of my mind that his deployment is scheduled for February, and that if this 3rd one did not take, that everything had to stop for almost a year. It was a tough choice to make, but ultimately Brendan and I decided to go ahead and try one last time before he leaves….

Thus, here we are today. The insemination went really well! A few days before we went to the ultrasound and learned that I had 2 eggs growing!!!! Which surprised me :) On the morning of the insemination Brendan gave his sample, and I was floored with the results. MUCH better than what it had been frozen, and they were swimming fast!!! We immediately went over to the hospital, and the rest is history. It was so nice having my hubby there for me, and able to see everything that I go through for us. He was extremely supportive, and gave me the hope I had lost.

Our 2 week wait is almost over, and this saturday we will be testing to see if this worked or not. I am terrified to find out, because disappointment has been beating me up. I don't want Brendan deploying in a few weeks with the knowing in his mind that we will not be parents any time soon. I think about it everyday, and am ready for the unknown to become known. Is our journey about the come to a screeching halt, or are we about to see a miracle?

Stay tuned :)