I think one of the hardest things about dealing with infertility is seeing other women who get pregnant if they even so much as breath. On my Navy support page that I run I met a young woman my age who was pregnant and about to give birth. Her husband was deployed, so I felt very badly for her. She had the baby and everything went smoothly. Now mind you, this baby was her second, and I tried to ignore the sick feeling I had in my stomach. It's now been 2 months since I last spoke with her, and this morning I learned that she is now pregnant with baby number 3, and probably conceived within 1 week of giving birth....
Let me be clear that I hold absolutely no animosity towards this woman at all. It certainly is not her fault that she is so incredibly fertile and I am so incredibly not... However, it would be a complete lie if I were to sit here and say that it doesn't hurt like hell. I sometimes lay in bed as I am about to go to sleep and wonder why it is that she can have 3 healthy children, and I have none. I don't understand what this path is that God has chosen for me to go down, and why. I feel as though I deserve a child just as much as she does, and yet I still keep yearning.
If I see anyone birth announcements, or women who are pregnant, I go to extreme measures to avoid them. I will delete them off Facebook, or block them. I will walk the other way so I do not need to be near them. Childish I know. What do you expect me to do? The reality of it all is that no matter what I tell myself everyday, no matter how positive I try to stay, the pain is unbearable.
It's tiring to work so hard to do something that the female body was intended for. It's discouraging to see continuous negative signs on a pregnancy test....
I am about to start taking clomid again tomorrow for round 2. I am trying not to get excited, because let downs hurt too. I just wish I could be the woman I envy so much.
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