I think one of the hardest things about dealing with infertility is seeing other women who get pregnant if they even so much as breath. On my Navy support page that I run I met a young woman my age who was pregnant and about to give birth. Her husband was deployed, so I felt very badly for her. She had the baby and everything went smoothly. Now mind you, this baby was her second, and I tried to ignore the sick feeling I had in my stomach. It's now been 2 months since I last spoke with her, and this morning I learned that she is now pregnant with baby number 3, and probably conceived within 1 week of giving birth....
Let me be clear that I hold absolutely no animosity towards this woman at all. It certainly is not her fault that she is so incredibly fertile and I am so incredibly not... However, it would be a complete lie if I were to sit here and say that it doesn't hurt like hell. I sometimes lay in bed as I am about to go to sleep and wonder why it is that she can have 3 healthy children, and I have none. I don't understand what this path is that God has chosen for me to go down, and why. I feel as though I deserve a child just as much as she does, and yet I still keep yearning.
If I see anyone birth announcements, or women who are pregnant, I go to extreme measures to avoid them. I will delete them off Facebook, or block them. I will walk the other way so I do not need to be near them. Childish I know. What do you expect me to do? The reality of it all is that no matter what I tell myself everyday, no matter how positive I try to stay, the pain is unbearable.
It's tiring to work so hard to do something that the female body was intended for. It's discouraging to see continuous negative signs on a pregnancy test....
I am about to start taking clomid again tomorrow for round 2. I am trying not to get excited, because let downs hurt too. I just wish I could be the woman I envy so much.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Round 2 they say!
After our first unnsuccesful and incredibly disappointing failed month on fertility drugs, the doc is still confident that we can do this on our own! So, that means a new prescription is being filled currently, and round numero 2 is about to begin!
Alright, so let's stop for a moment and consider everything that is happening here. In the last 2 months I have learned that I have severe PCOS, and then I did my first month on fertility drugs. Seeing that little pink negative sign was awful, and made me wonder if I would have the strength to carry on this journey, for however long it may be. But then my husband took me into his arms and reminded me that when we took our vows, it didn't matter the obstacles that were coming along. I had to have another reminder that our life is amazing as it is, and we are so lucky for what we do have! A baby is just something that will come when we least expect it.
With that being said, I still hope this second round is it for us! Haha, I can't control myself. However, this next time around I am going into it with a head full of knowledge! I plan to track BBT and Ovulation twice everyday, and I have now completely cut out alcohol and caffeine from my diet! I am back to exercising everyday, and most importantly: I am not going to let myself get stressed out! I am going to do exactly what doc orders, and if it doesn't happen again, then we will deal with it.
The best part about all of this? Hubby has to report to his ship by the second week of August. Once he does so his schedule becomes insane! We got incredibly lucky that we are able to get one more round in before that happens! I am so grateful for all of the chances we are being given. Time to make the most out of them! I will keep everyone updated as the big O hits and then when its time to baby test again :) Baby dust!!!!!
Alright, so let's stop for a moment and consider everything that is happening here. In the last 2 months I have learned that I have severe PCOS, and then I did my first month on fertility drugs. Seeing that little pink negative sign was awful, and made me wonder if I would have the strength to carry on this journey, for however long it may be. But then my husband took me into his arms and reminded me that when we took our vows, it didn't matter the obstacles that were coming along. I had to have another reminder that our life is amazing as it is, and we are so lucky for what we do have! A baby is just something that will come when we least expect it.
With that being said, I still hope this second round is it for us! Haha, I can't control myself. However, this next time around I am going into it with a head full of knowledge! I plan to track BBT and Ovulation twice everyday, and I have now completely cut out alcohol and caffeine from my diet! I am back to exercising everyday, and most importantly: I am not going to let myself get stressed out! I am going to do exactly what doc orders, and if it doesn't happen again, then we will deal with it.
The best part about all of this? Hubby has to report to his ship by the second week of August. Once he does so his schedule becomes insane! We got incredibly lucky that we are able to get one more round in before that happens! I am so grateful for all of the chances we are being given. Time to make the most out of them! I will keep everyone updated as the big O hits and then when its time to baby test again :) Baby dust!!!!!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Dealing with infertility? The military will throw a wrench!
Alright, as you all know I have been diagnosed with PCOS. I just did my first round of fertility drugs, and it was unsuccessful. I am about to start my second round, and am doing everything I can to stay positive and have faith. There is one major problem with that though: I am married to someone in the military.
Why is this a problem, you may ask? Well, let's start with the obvious: my husband has a schedule that no one would trade for. If he is home he is exhausted, and planning for the next task he has. We have been lucky that this first month he was in schooling so we had plenty of Baby dancing time. But, now it is time to report to ship and that means underways, long work days, duty weekends, and the dreaded deployments. My fear? That I will pin point my special day of ovulation, and hubs wont be there for it. Well, say goodbye to a whole month.
Of course, I am not just complaining here, do not get me wrong. I am so grateful that my husband has a steady job, and does something that he loves. We have good health insurance and a constant income. I am grateful for what I have been given in this life, for sure. But, let's be honest. There is no way I am not going to have these fears in the back of my mind. I can not avoid being nervous that the military life is going to push this process even further back. Can I also open up, and express a sincere hope I have? Hubs will most likely be going on his first deployment around the beginning of this next year. Maybe, just maybe we can have a little nugget in the oven before he goes!!!?????
Wishful thinking I know. But, trust me; when you become a military wife you learn how to plan.
Why is this a problem, you may ask? Well, let's start with the obvious: my husband has a schedule that no one would trade for. If he is home he is exhausted, and planning for the next task he has. We have been lucky that this first month he was in schooling so we had plenty of Baby dancing time. But, now it is time to report to ship and that means underways, long work days, duty weekends, and the dreaded deployments. My fear? That I will pin point my special day of ovulation, and hubs wont be there for it. Well, say goodbye to a whole month.
Of course, I am not just complaining here, do not get me wrong. I am so grateful that my husband has a steady job, and does something that he loves. We have good health insurance and a constant income. I am grateful for what I have been given in this life, for sure. But, let's be honest. There is no way I am not going to have these fears in the back of my mind. I can not avoid being nervous that the military life is going to push this process even further back. Can I also open up, and express a sincere hope I have? Hubs will most likely be going on his first deployment around the beginning of this next year. Maybe, just maybe we can have a little nugget in the oven before he goes!!!?????
Wishful thinking I know. But, trust me; when you become a military wife you learn how to plan.
First month on fertility drugs= failure :(
Let me start this off by saying that I am very aware that there are women out there who have been TTC for a very long time, and if they heard me complaining about one failed month they might just want to slap me. I know this; and trust me I acknowledge my ridiculousness at points. However, with that being said, we all know that EVERY single month you get a negative pregnancy test is just as heartbreaking as the last 10.
Can I vent alittle? I am so sick and tired of people telling me that "it will happen when it's supposed to happen." No actually it won't. I do not get periods on my own, and I certainly do not ovulate on my own. So how is it supposed to "just happen?" No, I unfortunately (as well as many others) have to plan every single move, and know every day what is happening with my body. The doc started me out on some Provera to get my cycle jumpstarted. I took those little white pills for 10 days. Literally the day after I took the last little guy my monthly came! Woo, what a surprise! I hadn't seen that friend in a long time. Alright, so then I had to start counting that as day 1 and track my cycle. On day 5 I began taking clomid, which is a drug to help you ovulate. I had to take clomid for day 5-9 of my cycle. I bought some of those exspensive clearblue digital ovulation tests, and began checking in the morning as soon as I started clomid. What do you know, on day 11 I get a positive ovulation test! I ran through the house screaming and grabbed my husband. It was baby dancing time!!!!!!!!
After all the fun was over I then went back and read the instructions that come with the tests. Uh oh. It clearly says on the box that if you have PCOS then the results may not be accurate. Crap...
So to remedy the situation hubs and I Baby danced once everyday. We felt pretty good about ourselves, and made an appointment with doc to get my blood drawn!! Would this be my lucky month, would I only need one single round of treatments?
Unfortunately, no. This was not our month; and the drugs were a failure. I put part of the blame on myself for simply believing in a pee stick to give me so much hope. Those tests are for normal women who have normal cycles. Yeah, dummy!
I think it is needless to say that I was devastated. Those negative results really kicked my ass. I didn't even want to get out of bed that day, and luckily I had a husband who was right there by my side. I then woke up the next day, and realized that it was only one month. One single month that I have tried so far and been unsuccessful. There is no reason to be giving up hope so quickly!
I am waiting to hear back from doc about when we can start round 2, and this time I am going to pay alot more attention to things. Not only will I do ovulation tests everyday, but I will also track my BBT(Basal Body Temperature) to see if they are matching up. I refuse to quit this fight.
Can I vent alittle? I am so sick and tired of people telling me that "it will happen when it's supposed to happen." No actually it won't. I do not get periods on my own, and I certainly do not ovulate on my own. So how is it supposed to "just happen?" No, I unfortunately (as well as many others) have to plan every single move, and know every day what is happening with my body. The doc started me out on some Provera to get my cycle jumpstarted. I took those little white pills for 10 days. Literally the day after I took the last little guy my monthly came! Woo, what a surprise! I hadn't seen that friend in a long time. Alright, so then I had to start counting that as day 1 and track my cycle. On day 5 I began taking clomid, which is a drug to help you ovulate. I had to take clomid for day 5-9 of my cycle. I bought some of those exspensive clearblue digital ovulation tests, and began checking in the morning as soon as I started clomid. What do you know, on day 11 I get a positive ovulation test! I ran through the house screaming and grabbed my husband. It was baby dancing time!!!!!!!!
After all the fun was over I then went back and read the instructions that come with the tests. Uh oh. It clearly says on the box that if you have PCOS then the results may not be accurate. Crap...
So to remedy the situation hubs and I Baby danced once everyday. We felt pretty good about ourselves, and made an appointment with doc to get my blood drawn!! Would this be my lucky month, would I only need one single round of treatments?
Unfortunately, no. This was not our month; and the drugs were a failure. I put part of the blame on myself for simply believing in a pee stick to give me so much hope. Those tests are for normal women who have normal cycles. Yeah, dummy!
I think it is needless to say that I was devastated. Those negative results really kicked my ass. I didn't even want to get out of bed that day, and luckily I had a husband who was right there by my side. I then woke up the next day, and realized that it was only one month. One single month that I have tried so far and been unsuccessful. There is no reason to be giving up hope so quickly!
I am waiting to hear back from doc about when we can start round 2, and this time I am going to pay alot more attention to things. Not only will I do ovulation tests everyday, but I will also track my BBT(Basal Body Temperature) to see if they are matching up. I refuse to quit this fight.
That moment when someone tells you, you may never have children...
I had just turned 22 when the doctor called me during dinner with the results of my lab work; I had PCOS and I had it in both ovaries quite badly. I turned around with the phone in my hand, and saw my husband sitting at the coffee table enjoying his meal. I said thank you to my gynecologist and hung up the phone.
Now, let's backtrack for a moment and try to make some sense as to how, and why I got to this point. When I was 15 years old my mother found out that I was messing around with my highschool boyfriend of the time. It was some very innocent groping while the parents were out of eyesight. Needless to say she popped her lid and took me right to the doctor to get put on birth control. When I think back upon it I realize that I never had regular menstrual cycles. It was always sporadic, and was not until I started BC that it actually seemed to regulate back to normal.
Well, after almost 7 years on 4 different kinds of contraceptives I finally married the man of my dreams. He was in the Navy, and I was embarking on an incredible journey that I had never even imagined. After 4 months of marriage I graduated college, and he moved me down to Virginia to officially live in wedded bliss. Almost immediately after arriving here we both came to the conclusion that it was time to stop BC and if we were meant to have children, then so be it. Then we noticed that there was a flaw in that plan: I stopped getting my periods altogether. Now I don't mean that I would get one every so often and then spot; oh no, I literally didn't get another one again. So of course now that I am on Tricare I made an appointment with a gyno in the area who comes highly recommended. She does some bloodwork and she takes photos of my uterus. As you well know, she diagnoses me with PCOS. Alot of things make sense now.
I look her right in the eye and ask her if this means I can't get pregnant. She doesn't even hesitate in telling me that there is no reason I shouldn't be able to conceive and that it just simply may take longer than I had planned. Wonderful! I go home feeling relieved and confident that I will be a mother. Well, then I go and do something that I now advise EVERYONE who is struggling with infertility NOT TO DO. I went online and started doing research, and started asking random strangers what their experiences were. To sum it up, that was an awful idea, and made me worry about things that should never have crossed my mind. To hear stories about women TTC for over 7 years with no luck, is not something I needed.
I have made it my personal goal to stay away from internet research, and just simply follow doctors orders. I am making some health changes and lifestyle changes. I am starting fertility drugs, and am keeping faith. I may have been given some tough news, but I refuse to allow that to stop me from what I desire, and deserve!
Now, let's backtrack for a moment and try to make some sense as to how, and why I got to this point. When I was 15 years old my mother found out that I was messing around with my highschool boyfriend of the time. It was some very innocent groping while the parents were out of eyesight. Needless to say she popped her lid and took me right to the doctor to get put on birth control. When I think back upon it I realize that I never had regular menstrual cycles. It was always sporadic, and was not until I started BC that it actually seemed to regulate back to normal.
Well, after almost 7 years on 4 different kinds of contraceptives I finally married the man of my dreams. He was in the Navy, and I was embarking on an incredible journey that I had never even imagined. After 4 months of marriage I graduated college, and he moved me down to Virginia to officially live in wedded bliss. Almost immediately after arriving here we both came to the conclusion that it was time to stop BC and if we were meant to have children, then so be it. Then we noticed that there was a flaw in that plan: I stopped getting my periods altogether. Now I don't mean that I would get one every so often and then spot; oh no, I literally didn't get another one again. So of course now that I am on Tricare I made an appointment with a gyno in the area who comes highly recommended. She does some bloodwork and she takes photos of my uterus. As you well know, she diagnoses me with PCOS. Alot of things make sense now.
I look her right in the eye and ask her if this means I can't get pregnant. She doesn't even hesitate in telling me that there is no reason I shouldn't be able to conceive and that it just simply may take longer than I had planned. Wonderful! I go home feeling relieved and confident that I will be a mother. Well, then I go and do something that I now advise EVERYONE who is struggling with infertility NOT TO DO. I went online and started doing research, and started asking random strangers what their experiences were. To sum it up, that was an awful idea, and made me worry about things that should never have crossed my mind. To hear stories about women TTC for over 7 years with no luck, is not something I needed.
I have made it my personal goal to stay away from internet research, and just simply follow doctors orders. I am making some health changes and lifestyle changes. I am starting fertility drugs, and am keeping faith. I may have been given some tough news, but I refuse to allow that to stop me from what I desire, and deserve!
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